Degrassi The Next Generation Reviewed

Ah yes, the companion blog to Degrassi Junior High Reviewed. Each episode will be reviewed in order by a guy who loves the next generation's melodrama.


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Season 4, Episode 1, “Ghost In The Machine, Part 1”

Finally we’ve made it to season 4 of Degrassi. But right off the bat we begin a two episode arc that I really hated when I first saw it.

Pre-Credit Opener: Paige, Spinner and Craig are at Joey’s used car lot where Spinner has just purchased a real piece of shit. Since this is a new season and year everyone is looking different. Spinner now has longer stoner hair while Craig is desperately trying to make himself look like he came from the 70’s. After they ride like the wind across Toronto, Spinner parks the car at Paige’s house to remark what a great day he’s having. But oh uh, the Mounties come along and Spinner is already shitting bricks. But it turns out that they’re looking for Paige. The cop gives her a notice to appear in court because of Dean raping her. Man justice works really slow in Canada. To show how scared she is to go, Paige is flaring her nostrils like crazy. We get the same opening credits, but this time it’s another singer and it sounds more like a dance song now.

In the next scene, they’re at the drive in watching a really low budget zombie movie. Paige is so scared she drops pop corn all over Spinner’s car. Oh lord, instead of hugging Spinner, Marco is in the drivers seat and Spinner is in the back because they reason they wouldn’t be able to see behind him. Needless to say, Spinner is beyond annoyed that Marco is there cock blocking him.

We the cut away to Dylan’s moving day at Toronto university I’m assuming and Marco of course can’t help lift Dylan’s massive pleasure chest of wonders because he’s basically a girl. Spinner meanwhile is being a real sour shoes and after Paige asks him what’s wrong he goes off on the fact that they’re never alone. She promises that things will change once the trial is over with.

And yup, what a surprise. Dean is also going there, pledging at a frat. I love how he’s acting like a big shot with his ugly yellow corvette. Being the ultimate asshole that he is, he spots Paige and actually brings up the court case and tries to make her feel guilty about him raping her. Shit, he’s even trying to get her to not testify against her. Fucking scumbag.

Well enough with that shit. It’s finally the first day of school and Emma, Liberty and Toby are all saying that they ended their relationships that Summer. Toby is no big surprise though. Kendra must have seen him for what he really is, which is Degrassi’s resident loser.

Inside, Manny and JT are making fun of the Freshmen coming in. Do they call 9th and 10th grader’s Freshmen and Sophomore’s in Canada? I really want to know. Anyways, this kid who looks like 50’s crooner Johnny Mathis actually tries to pick up on Manny. I guess he saw that JT really isn’t a man, so he’d give it a shot.

At Craig’s locker, he’s surprised to see that someone has actually decorated it with a bunch of musical themed birthday decorations. He bumps into Ashley and he just assumes that it was her who did it. Marco comes along dressed in a suit that’s way too big on him and it turns out that it was Marco. Gee, why am I not surprised.

Else where Spinner is having a dilemma if he should put Mandy Moore or Hilary Duff inside his locker. He goes with Lizzie Maguire because he says she looks like Paige. No she doesn’t. As we all know, Paige looks like Miss Piggy. Paige comes along and says that she’d rather looks like Lindsay Lohan. Jimmy points out that he thought she had court that day, but she says it was the next day. Spinner asks her what’s that supposed to mean, and Paige being stupid says that she’s not going to the trial. Spinner get’s pissed at her and says that he can’t take all that bullshit anymore.

After school Spinner mentions the fact that she said that everything would be ok after the trial. In Spinner’s point of view, now that she’s not going to the trial, her acting weird when she’s alone with him will never end. Long story short, he wants to have sex and he now knows that it’ll never happen. She explains that it happened three years ago and that she’s moved on. Spinner for some incredible reason believes her.

Haha. At Joey’s, Joey and the family are watching a video from Caitlin where apparently she’s in some jungle or island country. But it’s pretty obvious that it’s just some palm trees in front of a green screen. Craig not caring about Caitlin’s birthday wishes want’s his big birthday gift and it’s an envelope. At first he’s all, “What the fuck!?”, but he see’s that it’s actually ten grand from his dead dad. Turns out when Craig turns 18 he’ll get his full inheritance.

At some random swamp, Spinner and Paige are engaged in some heavy petting. But it’s too much for Paige because she’s having some serious flashbacks about Dean raping her. Obviously she’s not over it because she keeps saying that she said no. Finally getting the guts, she tells him that she’s going to court and Spinner being the loyal boyfriend is going with her.

The next day Ashley comes along and tries to talk to Craig about her being weird the other day. She goes on to say that she would love to be friends with him again. So burying all that ill will, they start to talk about Craig’s dad leaving him all that money. Ashley is blown away hearing that and you can tell she wants him to buy her something. Craig goes on to say that Joey gave him a lecture about investing the money for his future. Craig being stupid and bitter says that he’s just going to rip up the check. Yeah right, what teenager would ever do something like that? Ashley actually being sane tells him that he can have a lot of fun with that money. You can tell that it never occurred to Craig to go on a shopping spree.

It’s finally time for Degrassi’s trial of the century and Paige get’s instantly nervous when she see’s Dean arrive in his Corvette. Spinner says that he hates Dean, that’s when Paige tells him to go home because he’s going to be hearing all the awful details of her rape. But Spin is going to stay by his woman.

Inside Paige is being grilled by Dean’s lawyer. Basically she’s implying that Paige wanted to have sex with Dean because she was dressed like a slut and was flirting with him that whole night. Even getting felt up by him and that she liked it. The lawyer then asks how it was possible that Dean opened a condom wrapper and got it around his dick with one hand. Paige should have just said that it was his superior raping skills that made it all possible. Paige keeps saying that she said no and that he over powered her by his creepiness. The lawyer then fucks up by asking her how many men she had sex with. Paige now full of piss and vinegar says that the incident was her only experience with sex and if she had the choice she wouldn’t have lost her virginity to someone old like Dean. I mean, look at him, he looks 30.

We switch scene’s and Craig is at a guitar shop buying a bunch of CD’s and that’s when Ashley finds a guitar from the 60’s. The guy at the shop is cringing at Ashley holding it because apparently it’s worth a lot and tells her to put it back down. Craig acting like Wayne from Wayne’s World smugly says that he’s going to buy it.

Back at court, the judge who looks like that old skeevosa Dr Sally arrives to give her verdict. She starts by saying how brave it was for Paige to be there at court and that these are the type of cases that keep her up at night. Having said that, she goes on to say that because there were no eye witnesses or physical evidence, Dean is going to get off Scott free. See? What did I tell you a couple of seasons ago? All of Paige’s inaction would come back to bite her in the ass. If she would have gone right away to be examined Dean would be going to prison instead. The insult to injury is that Dean is laughing his ass off at her because he got away with it. If Nancy Grace was there covering this she’d be saying, “Somewhere out there, the devil is dancing.” The episode ends with Paige’s shocked face.

So now that I’m watching this again, this episode wasn’t too bad. Hardly anything to complain about really. Sure people get mad at Dean, I sure know I hate the character, but this sort of shit happens all the time. Leave it to Degrassi to show that there’s injustices in this world. The main one being that Craig came into money. How unfair is that?

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Season 3, Episode 17, “Don’t Dream It’s Over”

So we return to an Episode that “Goes There”. That’s right this is the big Terri get’s fucked up by her boyfriend episode. I’m not sure, but I believe this is the last episode she’s featured in, or maybe she makes one last appearance as the season concludes. But who cares. Let’s see how Terri get’s taken out of Degrassi. Man, what a DeBummer.

Pre-Credit Opener: We open up with Paige telling the gang that she has her parents mini van for the weekend and you know what that means. Party!! Everyone is super excited except for Terri because she doesn’t have that special someone to go on what’s most likely going to be a lame road trip. Hazel tells her, “You’ll be with all of your friends idiot!” Paige tells her to bring someone and we all know who Terri is thinking of bringing along because she is indeed an idiot.

Oh what a surprise. Yet again Mrs Kwan is teaching something that isn’t remotely related to language class. I would say she’s more of a life skills teacher. I remember when I was in Jr High we had a class called Life Skills class. And it was pretty much stupid shit like this. Rick and Terri become partners for a trust exercise and yeah, it’s pretty predictable. They each fall into each other’s arms and with that, Rick weasel’s his way into Terri’s heart again.

After class Rick tells Terri that he wanted to call her to apologize for beating the hell out of her, but he was too much of a chicken shit to do it. He goes on to say that he misses her and the fact that she hung out with Paige all the time made stalking her hard. Terri just leaves and says she’ll talk to him later.

In Snake’s class Marco is being a little brown noser and tells him that the sub that they had sucked ass and they’re all glad that he’s back. Snake is back to his old self. At least he’s not a dick anymore. Oh lord Marco and Ellie have a night of watching an Indian movie double feature. What a couple of bores I swear. Ashley points out to Ellie that Sean like most normal teenage boys wouldn’t sit through that kind of boring bullshit. Ellie says, “Why would Sean come?” Ashley points out that they are sort of seeing each other, but Ellie is adamant that things haven’t changed between her and Marco just because she’s seeing Sean now. Yeah, we all know this isn’t going to end well.

At Caitlin’s TV station Sean walks into Caitlin and Ellie’s bull session. Sean cuts to the chase and he wants to watch a new movie called Elimination Round 3. Ellie says that she wants to go with him, but she realized that she has a boring evening with Marco planned already. What’s a girl to do?

We cut to The Dot and everyone is disgusted and pissed off at Terri for bringing Rick along to their sacred hangout. Paige all full of fury says that she’s not going to be driving that asshole around all day long. Spinner points out that it’s better that they come along since they’ll be able to keep an eye on them.

Ha! The poster to Elimination Round 3 features a bald black dude and none other than motherfucking Yick Yu! Marco and Ellie come along and right away he’s acting like such a woman. Sean much like I would be in that situation is disappointed that she brought him along.

So it’s finally time for the big road trip and it seems like they just went to the local Degrassi park. Rick sit’s his ass on the hood of the van and tells Terri to come and join him. Paige all annoyed tells him to get the hell off before he and Terri put the mother of all dents on it.

Back at the movie Marco and Ellie are acting like a couple of assholes. You can tell that they think that they’re sophisticated and that an action movie is beneath them. Jay get’s so annoyed at them that he throws popcorn at Marco. Sean then reaches for some popcorn but he touches Marco’s hand instead. He probably wants to boil it because he thinks he has gay now.

The scene cuts back to the park and Paige is fuming and you can tell she’s about to blow. Rick goes to get what I’m assuming is food for Terri. She takes that as an opportunity to talk to her about Rick. Terri being a fool says that he apologized. Paige getting more irritated by the minute shouts out, “Of course, that’s what his kind does!” Rick comes out of nowhere and starts to tell Paige that she has no right to tell Terri who she can be friends with and that she’s a backstabber. I don’t know how she is in that situation. It’s not like she ever fucked Rick over like she did to Manny and Hazel. Anyways, Paige goes on to call him a psycho and Rick loses it and kicks Paige’s mini van and leaves. Terri being on Rick’s side starts to yell at Paige. She pretty much says that she’s sick of her shit and constantly being told what to do. Paige having enough yells at her to go after him if she’s such a bad friend. I gotta say, I’ve been in Paige’s situation before with people like Terri. Especially when they get back together with someone they know is toxic. It’s very annoying and frustrating, but you can’t control people. Even if they are fucking stupid.

Out in some field where a bunch of bricks are just laying around, Rick is going crazy kicking at the air in anger. Terri starts to apologize about Paige but Rick cuts off her shouting, “She does not matter!” Terri says, “Calm down day time Emmy.” He does and goes on to say that he’s happy that they’re together again. After they kiss, Terri starts to pull him along and says to just ignore Paige. He tugs her back all aggressive and says he’d rather walk back. Terri points out that it’s far walk. Rick says that she called him a psycho. Paige tells Rick that that’s just Paige being herself, which is a bitch. Rick now is starting to get more aggravated and says, “What? That makes it ok? My feelings mean nothing to you?” Terri starts to panic from his vise like grip thanks to him hulking out due to anger again. She says that she’s going back because he’s hurting her. At that he loses it and yells, “You’re not going! You’re not!!” And then pushes her and Terri fucking splits her head open falling on top of one of the random cinder blocks just lying around. At this point Rick makes a shocked face because he knows that he went way over the line. He went up to 11 with that fury.

We cut back to Paige and she’s clearly worried about Terri because it’s been awhile since she left. They come out of the bushes and spot Rick kneeling next to Terri’s carcass. Rick looking like OJ with Terri’s blood all over his hands panics and runs away. I love how Spinner made no attempt to chase him and stomp his ass into the ground. Instead he runs to get his cell phone.

At Degrassi Mr Raditch is telling the entire class that Terri was maimed that weekend and is in the hospital until further notice. Marco starts to ask Snake if it was an accident and Spinner cuts him off by saying that it wasn’t an accident. Ashley wonders out loud if Rick is in jail. Snake tells everyone since he’s a minor he’s not allowed to talk about any specifics. Spinner tells him that if he see’s Rick, his ass is grass. Oh lord Snake then says, “We can talk about our feelings together.” I’m with Spinner, get the fuck out of here with that hippy bullshit Snake. Paige busts out this lame looking get well card for Terri and everyone signs it.

Back to the B plot, Ellie is telling Marco that she doesn’t really want to go visit Terri since she didn’t even know her. And you know what? Why should she? Marco offers to go with her and that’s when Sean comes by and get’s instantly annoyed at seeing Marco next to Ellie. He makes a major alpha move and makes Marco move out of the way. It’s hilarious. Ellie now pissed off leaves Sean by himself and goes with Marco. Ellie doesn’t seem to know how to act in a relationship.

The next scene is at the local Degrassi hospital. Terri is so messed up that she’s now in a coma. Terri’s dad comes along and tells Spinner and Paige that she’ll be having surgery later on in the night because she has a blood clot. He then starts to go off on Rick and he can’t believe that little prick would hurt his daughter like he did. By the look on their faces he picks up on the fact that they knew that he was being abusive towards her.  Understandably he yells at the both of them and asks why the hell didn’t they say anything. The both of them just leave with tears in their eyes.

Outside The Dot Paige stops her mini van and starts to cry. Spinner tells her that she’s going to be ok and gives her a little smooch. At that Paige aggressively starts to make out with him. Even Spinner being a big horn dog isn’t down for this shit. Paige of course get’s all pissed off and starts with the blame game. She goes on to say that none of this would have happened if Spinner would have just left them behind like she wanted to. Spinner now angry blurts out the fact that she’s the one who told her to go off with him. Check mate!

Inside, Ellie is telling Marco that she should dump Sean because he’s being rude towards Marco. Marco points out that the only rude one in that relationship is her. Plus he’s tired of being her security blanket and feeling like a third wheel. I think he just doesn’t want to hang out with Sean’s scumbag friends.

All dejected, Spinner makes his way back to Degrassi and then he spots Rick waiting inside a car. Spinner get’s super pissed and drags his ass out. Rick starts to yell, “Spinner stop!” Spinner asks him if he stopped when he ravaged Terri. Paige then comes along pleading for him to stop too. Rick’s mom then comes out of the school and tells them to leave her son alone. Spinner just leaves crying. Ugh! I would have been like Kevin Dillon’s character in Platoon and told Spinner, “Fucking pussy! He’s laughing at you!” I would have beat the shit out Rick. But you know, this is Degrassi and it wants to teach that an eye for an eye is not the way. Spinner sits on a bench and starts to cry to Paige that he’s no different than Rick. Paige tells him that he is different because he stopped himself. *Eye roll* Whatever.

We conclude the B plot by Sean and Ellie having a conversation about their relationship. They both think that they’re dumping each other. Ellie tells him that she’s sorry for being a horrible girlfriend, and then she says, “You haven’t been a great boyfriend either.” I don’t know how she figures this, but Sean knowing better just agrees with her craziness and says that he doesn’t hate Marco, he just wants to date her.

At the hospital Terri’s dad comes out and tells them that they don’t know if she’s brain damaged or not. They all apologize for their behavior and Paige says that they should have said something. He makes them feel better by saying that they’re good friends.

Man, I must be rusty, this took me about two hours to write. Ridiculous. But this was a pretty good episode. I guess we had to have a domestic violence story and Degrassi delivered. I still say Rick should have had his balls cut off for what he did. Another frustrating thing is that we never found out if Rick was punished or not. But this is Degrassi after all and they always like to leave things open ended.


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Season 3, Episode 1, “Father Figure Part 1”

Welcome to season 3 of Degrassi the Next Generation all you Degrassi fiends. From what I remember, this season is where the show really start to pick up. But hopefully we won’t be getting anymore kiddie bullshit from Toby. What am I bitching about? This is a children’s show. I suddenly feel so ashamed of myself for watching this.

Pre-credit opener: We see Emma outside reading a book and all of a sudden we hear Spike yell out, “It’s time!” She and Snake get into a panic and this really annoying jungle type music with little kids singing comes on. Turns out that Spike is pregnant with Snake’s baby. Who would have thought that Spike would have let Snake bang her since she’s a major man hater. Oh yeah, she got pregnant last year. I forgot because it was never mentioned again until now. Anyways we hear Snake calling Liz (Who was in Degrassi Junior high and High). Leave it to Spike to be having a fucking home birth because she just has to be one of those people. Emma get’s hella annoyed because Spike was just testing them and then has the nerve to bitch them out when they complain.

Emma, Snake, Spike

We finally get new opening credits with this season and even the song is a bit different. Seems like they just added a base line. I gotta say it’s a huge improvement over the first two seasons. Plus we see that Snake, Spike, Joey and Caitlin are now a part of the cast.

In the basement it seems like Emma was moved down from her room so that the baby can have it’s own. Emma’s cool with it since she now can train her army of rats that she befriended down there. It’s the first day of school and Craig is still running around like an asshole taking people’s pictures. Oh lord. Spinner is sporting the Hobbit hairstyle that white boy’s liked to sport back during the mid 2000’s. Lucky for him he managed to bag Paige as his girlfriend. Ellie meanwhile is disgusted that they just called each other honeybee and it seems like she’s still play beard to Marco. Can Ellie be even more of a fucking hipster? Craig takes her picture while she films him with this old ass Fisher Price 8mm camera.

Paige, Spinner

Outside Emma is bitching to Sean about her life no longer revolving around Spike since the new baby is about to come along. Sean meanwhile has now completed his transformation into that asshole Eminem.

Inside everyone is bummed out to know that their home room teacher again is going to be Snake. They all agree that being with the uptight Mrs Kwan is the worst of the two. She just has to be a bitch and points out to Spinner that she’s going to have him in grade 9 English again. Spinner is all humiliated and Paige assures him that no one’s laughing at his dumb ass. But that’s when Jimmy comes along and acts like a dick by saying, “I was.”

In Ms Hatzilakos room JT is also sporting the Hobbit hair style while Toby still looks like fucking Milhouse. We get a new character and his name is Chris Sharp. He’ll get more lines as the season progresses. Ms H says, “Emma Simpson” during roll call and Emma get’s all offended and starts to rant how that’s not her last name and then some how makes it about feminism. Miss Hot body tells her to calm her rat tits and that it was simply a mistake.

Miss Hatzaliakos, Emma

We come upon this really run down hallway and Paige is horrified to find out that she’s been assigned to the Dead Zone, which is basically Degrassi’s third world. But no school would have a hall way looking that shitty. Anyways, she complains as usual that she wants the locker next to the restroom which just happens to belong to Hazel. Spinner tries to get her locker for Paige but Hazel’s all, “Fuck that yo. I’m not giving the bitch shit.”

In the school library Emma is checking out a year book from the 80’s and what do you know. It’s from Degrassi Junior High. Or so I thought, we really see that it’s a mixture from both series. Which makes no sense. But that’s Degrassi for you. We see all the cast members and Craig is amazed to see Joey with hair. He’s all, “So he wasn’t always a loser Q ball? Ashley goes on to say that she should do her hair like Spike had hers. But Craig doesn’t want her to change her new emo hairstyle. See, I told you the goth thing was just a phase to her. Emma is staring at her dad’s photo who just happens to be Shane. But that is not Shane from Degrassi Junior High. That’s fucking J Roc from the Trailer Park Boys. Emma claims to have met him once and that he’s a doctor. We then get this foggy looking flashback where it seems like he and Spike are arguing. As always. But fans of the series will know that there is no chance in hell that Shane is a Dr of any kind. For those of you who don’t know. You’ll soon find out.

Shane Shane, Emma, Spike

Back at home Snake is busy painting and Emma asks Snake if he got the people at school to change her last name. Snake reasons that the new secretary knows that she’s his daughter and now Emma is reverting back to form and just has to be a shit head by saying that she’s not Snake’s daughter. She throws a hint that she wants Shane involved in her life and Spike loses her shit and tells her that no way is she ever going to meet her dad.

The next scene is a baby shower for Spike and we see some other old faces. Liz and the twins, Heather and Erica. And yeah, they look awful! Turns out that Liz is going to be midwife to the Anti Christ that Spike is having. We then meet a new character and her name is Sidney, who just happens to be Joey’s girlfriend. How Joey manged to get someone who has it together is beyond me. Caitlin makes an ass of herself in front of her by making it sound like she and Joey were going to get together since they’re always on and off. Based on first impressions, Sidney is pretty cunty.

Heather, Liz

Later on, Emma just like Darth Vader is obsessed with finding Shane and she goes on to Canada People Finder and does a search. She finds a match who just happens to be a dr in the Toronto area. Back at school Spinner comes up with a brilliant idea and it’s to trade people for their lockers. Marco meanwhile is putting powder on his nose while Spinner tells him his latest scheme. How no one knows he’s gay is a mystery to me. I mean look at his shirt!

Marco, Spinner

Emma meanwhile wants Sean to come with her to downtown Toronto so that she can meet her dad. But Sean doesn’t give a shit and he’d rather go back to class. Emma again acting like the whole fucking world revolves around her obnoxiously says, “Don’t you think finding my birth dad is more important?” Sean annoyed says, “Hell naw! We’ll go this weekend”

Sean, Emma

We then get this montage of Spinner trading lockers with a bunch of people. Amazing how they all just agree to it. JT agree’s because he’s a dip shit and is still intimidated by Spinner. Chris mumbles yes after being promised a boot leg track from some nobody rapper. Seriously, I was all, what the fuck did he just say? Hazel gives hers up after he pathetically begs her.

In the front of the school Emma manages to persuade Craig to go see her dad. She just mentions his dead dad and off they go into the mean streets of Toronto. They come to some house and they’re surprised to see this black man opening the door. Obviously this isn’t her dad since Emma is whiter than a motherfucker. Back at her house they use their computer and they check Snake’s Alumni folder and we see all the old Degrassi names, Including fucking Arthur. Funny how the pic they used was of the original Shane. Emma finds him and it seems like he lives really far away due to her reaction.

Degrassi Alumni

Back at school Spinner shows Paige her new locker and he tells her, “Happy Anniversary!” She hates it because Paige is a horrible person. But now that I think about it. It is a shitty gift because you can tell that no thought went into it. Jimmy comes along and uses a remote on some sort of futuristic looking lock. I guess this is to show what a rich asshole Jimmy is. Paige tells Spinner that she covets his locker and Jimmy acting like an asshole this entire episode tells them both to go fuck themselves and that it’s never going to happen.

Drake, Paige, Spinner

We get another montage and it’s of Emma and Craig traveling along the Canadian country side while this lame song plays in the background. Finally they get to wherever they got to and they go into a hospital. Emma asks a nurse that they’re there to see Shane and the nurse looks at them both like she’s really confused and tells them to wait. Craig finds the room number and tells her to go up to it. Emma finally finds the room and she’s very surprised to find out that Shane isn’t a doctor at all, but is completely retarded and is actually a patient there. But of course us old Degrassi fans already knew that. The episode ends with Emma’s shocked face.

Shane, Mental Hospital Emma, End Credits

I gotta say, I did not like this episode. The jumping around and Spinner’s quest to find Paige’s perfect locker completely sucked. Not even having the old cast members was enough to save it. But you can look forward to more this season like dysfunctional families, sex, abortion, thievery, cutting, cancer, homophobia and even more homosexuality that is so damn in your face that it’s obvious that they’re cramming their message down your throat.

 


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Season 2, Episode 18, “Dressed In Black”

So this one is a good one. I’ve noticed that all the episodes that have to do with the older cast members are of better quality. All the underclassmen focused episodes are completely shitty, unless it’s a Sean episode.

Pre-credit opener: Jimmy and Ashley are hanging out in her dark room and she’s subjecting him to all of her shitty emo music. You can tell Drake wants to rap his way out of there. But he’s fucked because Ashley is his girlfriend again, and he’s forced to listen and lie to her that her music is good. It isn’t. Ashley’s music sucks so bad. She goes on about connecting with him on an emotional level, but you can tell that he’s already clocked out of that relationship.

Ashley, Jimmy

The next day Jimmy runs into Ashley and shows her last years year book. He makes her sign the goddamn thing and she goes on about looking awful the previous year. That’s when resident Degrassi Haley Joel Osment look alike Sully makes his first appearance. He talks shit about Ashley being a freak and Jimmy of course doesn’t beat the shit out of him for her honor. But then again, Jimmy is a big puss who get’s his ass kicked all the time.

Oh great, we come upon JT and Toby and JT is way too excited about Dr Sally coming in again to give her sex pep talk. He must be really hard up if he’s excited to hear her sex stories. Not even Toby is hoping for porn in that case. But he’s disappointed to hear that Coach Armstrong is going to be giving the sex lecture due to Dr Sally hurting her hip during a really intense geriatric sex session. Coach Armstrong starts to talk about Abstinence being the best thing to practice. Manny asks him what it means and he tells her that it’s best not to bone. Something that Manny won’t listen to in later seasons. Anyways, JT playing with a condom accidentally launches it and it lands on Armstrong’s back and hilarity ensues.

JT, Armstrong, Condom

We cut to Ms Kwan’s class and she’s giving out an assignment. Which is to act out a scene from Bill Shakespeare’s immortal classic, The Taming Of The Shrew. At least this assignment is at related to English class. Last time she had them doing some shit that had nothing to do with the subject. Ashley is disappointed that Jimmy is paired with Hazel, while she get’s stuck with Craig.

Outside of class Craig has a leaf crown. He’s been hit so hard by his dad, he now thinks he’s Julius Caesar. They both come up with doing a really depressing emo version of the scene they’re supposed to do. You can tell that she likes it that he thought the same thing.

Craig, Ashley

During lunch, Toby tells JT that he’s confused on when one should buy condoms. JT tells him that there’s no time like the present. But what he really should have told him was that there is no chance in hell that Toby is ever, ever going to get laid. But this being Degrassi, it recycles another plot from Degrassi Junior High and it’s the time when Joey and Wheels went to go buy condoms.

Back inside the school Ashley runs into Jimmy at his locker and she spots a picture of her from the last season and tells him to burn it. Man she’s so dark! She invites him home for dinner that night and you can tell that he really doesn’t want to go. Hey, I’ve been there before. It sucks.

Ashley, Jimmy, Hallway

We cut back to Toby and JT and they’ve picked out a box of Magnum condoms. Yeah right. Both of their dicks combined wouldn’t fill out that thing. Toby obviously being a Star Wars fan picks out some glow in the dark condoms and they have themselves a little mock lightsaber fight with some canes. As they’re going to check out to buy the condoms JT makes an ass of himself by asking the clerk for her phone number. The stocker behind him is so disgusted, he can’t help making a face.

JT, Toby

Finally, it’s the big dinner scene and Ashley starts going on about how kids should be educated on sex and should be given condoms. This starts out a big debate on the dinner table and she totally puts Jimmy on the spot on what he thinks. I fucking hate it when people pull that shit. Instead of telling her that he wants to keep out of this messed up family discussion, he tells her that he sides with Toby’s dad that it gives out a bad message to kids. She get’s all pissed off at him for reluctantly giving his answer. I swear, you can’t win with people like her.

Jimmy, Ashley

Back at Degrassi, Toby being a big puss gives JT the condoms to hold in his locker, saying that they’re his problem since he made him buy them. Spinner, Emma and Manny just happen to come along and Spinner sounds completely retarded trying to say lines from the play, so JT just can’t resist pointing out how stupid he sounds. At that he shoves JT into the locker and the condoms come tumbling out. Right away everyone figures out that they’re Toby’s. Spinner get’s so enraged that he vows to rip his balls off.

In the hallway, Ashley get’s Craig to take a pic of her with this gigantic Polaroid camera. Jimmy comes along and tapes it right next to her old picture, disappointing her even more. She get’s all pissed off about it and finally Jimmy admits to her that he likes the old, non scary, not so uptight Ashley.

Now Ashley is having an identity crisis. She wants to stay Goth, but at the same time she wants to please Jimmy. What’s a girl to do? Yup, she tries to please Jimmy and goes to school dressed normal, but of course now she’s all uncomfortable. Especially with a couple of skank’s making fun of her. Ellie comes along and can’t hide her disdain. But it’s not like Ashley was being original or herself either. She was just copying Ellie’s style. Jimmy comes along and he’s happier than a pig in shit that she’s no longer dressed like Winona Ryder was in Beetlejuice. My opinion is that she looks better non goth.

Ashley, Non Goth

In the MI class Toby and JT are terrified of Spinner. Spinner seems to have either made a website or a really elaborate email. It describes and has an animated gif about how he’s going to decapitate Toby and shit down his neck. But I doubt Spinner could come up with such complicated graphics since he is a big dummy. Toby runs when he see’s that Spinner is directly behind him. Just as he thinks he’s getting away he runs into Kendra and she man handles him and slams him against the lockers. She yells at him and asks, “How old am I?” Toby says 12 and she says, “That’s right! This relationship is never getting past talking about Cowboy Bebop!!”

Toby, Kendra

Outside Ashley is hanging out with Paige and her crew. They’re talking about some idiotic commercial and Terri tells her that they’ll get her back in the loop of things. I guess the loop of things is talking about stupid bullshit. Paige tells her that the goth look was actually working for her and asks why she reverted back to her boring self. Ashley just mumbles something and walks away. I gotta say, she does look out of place hanging out with them.

Hazel, Terri, Paige, Ashley

Out in the Degrassi haunted forest, Craig is waiting for Ashley so they can rehearse their scene. He acts all shocked that she actually looks decent, maybe a bit butch, but still feminine. Anyways, Craig tells Ashley exactly what she wants to hear from Jimmy, which is if someone really loves you, they’ll accept everything about you. Even the fucked up annoying parts. And that ladies and gentlemen is how you weasel yourself into a sad girls pants.

In the next scene Spinner grabs Toby and tells him that his ass is grass. But instead of just beating the shit out of him, he lets Toby tell him the reason why he bought the rubbers to begin with which is that he really likes his sister and if he porked her, he wanted to take care of her. Seems like Spinner was so touched it made his asshole clench and instantly forgives Toby. Kind of the whole Martha thing in Batman V Superman. But then Toby does a dickhead move and tells him that it was JT’s idea to buy the condoms, so now JT is in deep shit.

Toby, Spinner

Finally it’s time for everyone’s scenes and Jimmy and Hazel are dressed like a football player and cheerleader. They have everyone laughing for some reason. Up next is Craig and Ashley and yeah, their scene is real messed up. Craig seems to be channeling his dad and it seems like he’s going to fuck Ashley up. Shit, he even resembles his dad. Everyone is in complete shock. Marco starts crying, telling them to stop because Ashley’s already dead.

Ashley, Craig

In the hallway Spinner brings Toby into a room and see’s that JT has been tied up and is wearing a bunch of prophylactics. To humiliate JT even more, Spinner turns off the lights and now the condoms start to glow. Yeah, pretty unfunny and doesn’t even warrant a screen shot.

At Drake’s locker, Ashley comes up to him dressed all in black again (Hey, that’s the name of the episode!) and hands him a note. Basically she breaks up with him because he was trying to change her. The funny thing is, in the next season she’s going to change her look and no one is going to give two fucks about it. He should have told her that she’s just going through a phase. Might I point out that she’s the one broken up about it, meanwhile Jimmy is waiting for her to turn the corner so he can break dance, since he’s so happy that he’s finally gotten rid of his downer of a girlfriend.

Ashley, End Credits

So yeah, even though JT and Toby were kind of ruining this episode. I still enjoyed it. I guess I like bullshit drama and baby, whenever Ashley is involved, there’s always bullshit drama.


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Season 2, Episode 14, “Careless Whisper”

Pre-credit opener: We see the dudes playing a pick up game of basketball, shirts vs skins. Right off the bat we know that Marco is gay as hell because he can’t take his eyes off of Sean’s glistening body. Not that there’s nothing wrong with that. Sean catches him and says, “What’re you looking at fag?” The first time I saw this I was all, Whoa! Because this line of dialog was definitely censored when it aired on the N. I swear the N edited a lot of shit for us Americans. I guess they didn’t want to deal with any controversy. Anyways, Marco tries to play it off, but we all know better.

MarcoSean, Spinner

We come back to Marco and Ellie and you can tell that she has a major thing for him. She asks him if what she’s wearing is ok and he asks her since when does she care about what people think of what she’s wearing. She says that she only cares about what he thinks. Marco you can tell is panicking right away because he has zero interest in her except to be her friend. He spots Jimmy and Spinner and hauls ass. Ellie mentions to Ashley that she wants to go out with him, thus proving that Ellie has horrible gaydar.

Marco, Ellie

In the MI lab, Snake is telling the students that that old schivosa Dr Sally is making a return to Degrassi. Ellie’s all, “Who the fuck is that?” And Snake lets her know that she’s an expert in all things sex and you can tell he’s really excited because Dr Sally can teach him a thing or 12 about it. (Going off for a bit, me and my girlfriend went to a diner just this weekend and the waitress looked just like her, but she wasn’t cool like Dr Sally was. This old crow was a bitch and didn’t deserve a damn tip at all because she was rude as hell. She even complained about having to check what kind of soup they had available. I was like, well that is part of your fucking job. My girlfriend is still laughing about it because I’m still fuming about it days later.) Anyways, Jimmy asks Snake why Dr Sally is coming again since they saw her last year. Snake just says that they always have something to learn about. Spinner takes that as an opportunity to say something homophobic and you can tell that it hit a nerve with Snake because of his gay, horse faced brother Glen and how he and his family disowned him when he came out to them in Degrassi Junior High. Check it out here:

https://degrassijuniorhighreviewed.wordpress.com/2014/07/10/season-3-episode-6-he-aint-heavy/

Wow, we get to Dr Sally right away and she busts out a bunch of condoms like she’s making it rain with money, except it’s condoms. She tells the class, “If you can’t be careful, name it after me.” She goes onto the subject of straight and same sex sex. Spinner and Jimmy are curious about what makes a gay dude get really horny and Dr Sally basically says that a big, meaty dick will do the trick for them. Paige jumps into the convo and says that she has an older brother who’s gay and he claims that he was born that way, that he always knew. Dr Sally tells her that some people think that and other’s think that it’s genetic. During all this Marco is conflicted as hell. Especially when Terri says that being gay is a sin, and Dr Sally says that the greater sin is to not be yourself.

Dr Sally

Because this show hates me, we cut to the B plot and it involves Toby smothering his Jackie Chan looking girlfriend, Kendra. He completely humiliates her by standing outside of Snake’s class like Micheal Myers and then he starts to make a kissy face. Snake get’s so disgusted he shuts the blinds to spare the rest of the class the plague that is Toby. Kendra just can’t help making this retarded looking face.

Kendra

Class is dismissed and Ellie walks up to Dr Sally and asks her advice about how she can bag Marco. Dr Sally gives her sound advice, but if she only knew that Marco only craves the man cock. Spinner being Spinner calls Marco Marcy and gives him some fem care. This causes Marco to get all pissed off and says, “I hate fags ok, what they do makes me sick.” But then he tells Spinner to cut his shit out already or else he’s going to bend him over and send him home with a, I just pumped the neighbor’s cat look on his face.

Outside Toby is making an ass of himself with Kendra and she tells him that maybe he should cool it because she got in trouble with Snake. Toby mentions that he got in trouble too because he was caught jerking off in the girls restroom. He then shows his stalker, possessive side by telling her that he made a schedule for her in the guise of helping her out with her grades. Her body language is apparent and who can blame her? I noticed that he’s always up in her face. She get’s so creeped out by him she tells him to stop and leaves in a huff. Milhouse is really confused because he has no idea how to handle a woman.

Toby, KendraKendra's Schedule

Ok, since when is Snake a damn expert on film and techniques? Because he’s telling the class about noticing the directors technique in a commercial or whatever. I thought he was just a computer geek. But then again, the class is called Media Immersion. What a bullshit class if you ask me. Seems like school is out for the day and Marco waits for everyone to leave so that he can check out a gay website to confirm that he’s gay and proud. It’s short lived though because Spinner and Drake come along and ask him if he wants to go walking home with them. After clicking the hell out of the mouse to get out of the site, he tells them no.

Out on some bench Ellie finally get’s the nerve to talk about whether they’re just friends or not. Marco still fighting the gayness within him tells her that they should go out on a date since they like each other alot. Ellie is clearly happy, but you can tell that Marco is like GOB in Arrested Development and is saying in his head, “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

Ellie, Marco

It’s finally date time and things couldn’t be more awkward. Marco holds her hand and she instantly get’s happy, but Marco not feeling it fakes a sneeze and Ellie again instantly get’s disappointed. It’s a new day and Ashley is telling Terri that Jimmy is coming over for a project and she’s nervous because it’s the first time that he’s back at her house after she called him out for being  lame square and cheating on him with Sean. Ashley finds Ellie and she makes it all obvious that she had a horrible date with Marco, even though she has fun being with him. Ellie is afraid that he doesn’t like her more than a friend and that’s when Ashley says that maybe he’s not into any females. At that Ellie get’s all pissed off at her and basically tries to call Ashley a homophobe. But it’s pretty obvious that Marco likes the man meat.

Ellie, DateAshley, Ellie

At Kendra’s locker, Toby is decorating the hell out of it like a prissy school girl. Manny comes along and points out that he’s smothering her because she did the same mistake with Craig. He reasons that if she see’s that he’s willing to do anything for her, she’s bound to respect him. But of course Kendra get’s pissed off at the gesture, rips a heart in half, (which she basically did to his real one) and leaves for her next class. Milhouse is obviously left heartbroken. Manny can’t help being a shithead and says, “Told you.” And leaves all happy.

Manny, Kendra, Toby

In the locker room, or the Playgirl mansion according to Marco, Spinner being a fuckhead still calls Marco Marcy again and this time Jimmy get’s annoyed with him because his bits are getting old fast. Marco bullshits all of them and tells all the dudes that he’s going out with Ellie. He lets on that something happened on their date, but of course he can’t think of anything plausible and they all figure out what a fucking liar he is.

Outside the school, Marco and his crew come along and he tries to lie to them, but mostly himself that he’s into Ellie. He goes over to her like he’s fucking Lord Byron and starts to mack with Ellie. I’m surprised he didn’t make gagging noises because he’s so not into her sexually. She’s clearly happier than she’s ever been in her miserable life. Poor Ellie, she doesn’t deserve that.

Ellie

Kendra comes along and Toby can’t help acting like a bitch and tells her that she doesn’t like him anymore because he’s always up her ass.

Finally the Degrassi kids are at Ashley’s watching some sort of National Geographic bullshit. It was so boring that it put Spinner to sleep, until Ashley walks in with a couple of pizza pies. I just noticed that Toby isn’t around. She must have tied him up like an animal in the basement to avoid further embarrassment. The dudes start to dig in and Marco tells them, “Ladies first.” Spinner then tells him, “Well after you Marco.” Marco did walk into that one. One point to Spinner. Ellie get’s all annoyed at him and she invites him up to go to Ashley’s room. They all assume that they’re going up there to fool around. But if they only knew.

As soon as Marco walks into the room Ellie jumps his bones and starts to make out with him like crazy. She then asks him to sit on the bed and she obviously wants to get down to some old fashioned heavy petting, but Marco starts to cry and Ellie, heartbroken obviously knows that he’s gay. Finally Marco can’t take it anymore and confesses to her that he thinks that he might be batting for the other team, but he’s really confused.
Ellie, Marco Crying

At his locker Toby is taking down all of Kendra’s pictures because he’s so sure that she’s going to break up with his puny dweeb ass. Kendra comes along and basically tells him that she does like him, but that he just has to back his shit off for a bit and to let her have some free time away from him. I know I need some time away from Toby.

At Marco’s locker Jimmy and Spinner are totally fooled with Marco and Ellie. She tells the dudes that they should be totally jealous and gives Marco a smooch on the lips. Marco is doing his best not to look all disgusted. And at that, Ellie has decided to play along and has now become his beard. The episode ends with Ellie telling Marco that she can’t pretend forever, and neither can he. She mentions a gay youth group, but Marco tells her that he’s not ready for that shit yet, he has a plan and it involves gay twink porn. I think it’s a good idea. Just ease into it Marco.

Marco, End Credits

I think this was a good episode. We clearly see the pain that Marco is going through, trying to come to terms with his sexuality. I can’t imagine a more awkward and painful time to realize something like that. Too bad Toby had to be thrown into the mix, but his story line was barely in the episode, so we all won that round. But this episode is only a small taste of what’s coming for the future of Degrassi. At this current season of the show, it’s homosexual high.